I haven't posted to this blog in quite a while. I've been reflecting a lot as this past year has been a year of substantial Trudging!
http://bigbookblogging.blogspot.com/2012/06/twisted-relations.html
I wrote this post in June, 2012 and when I read back on it now, I see that I am once again NOT practicing these principles in all of my affairs. After I wrote the original post, I met someone and I was completely myself with this person. It was the first time I had dared to really be me and I was hurt very deeply and he was a member of AA and GA, just like I was. I was devastated by him, but I didn't turn to the steps. I didn't get quiet. I didn't listen to my innermost self. I acted out and I did it in a big way. I shared with my Sponsor and held back some of the things that were hurting me on the inside. I was as sick as my secrets. I was once again giving away my integrity for the approval and love of someone new because I hadn't dealt with my resentment. I didn't deal with the fact that I believed a lie about myself. I didn't forgive this person and I didn't forgive AA or GA for producing such behavior. I trudged, white-knuckled, went through one tragedy after another all year and finally, today, on my 4 year clean and sober / 11 year non-gambling anniversary, I can say this is part of my past. With everything that has happened this year; which includes the loss of my father, my sponsor and the birth of the grandchild, the near death of a child and being burglarized and sued and on and on and on..... The only thing that really hurt and threatened my sobriety was my actions and my putting a person in place of my Higher Power. I am grateful to the rooms of AA and GA, because in spite of my own behaviors and actions, I am still not drinking, gambling or smoking today.
