They Are Baffled A Lot

Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time. But in their hearts they really do not know why they do it. Once this malady has a real hold, they are a baffled lot. There is the obsession that somehow, someday, they will beat the game. But they often suspect they are down for the count. Big Book, p23

I always had really good excuses for why I drank (to be sociable, because others were doing it, because my best friend was a bartender, etc.) and I would come up with great rationalizations even after it got out of control.  I told these excuses to other people a lot, but I still don't think I ever truly believed my own lies.  I was a periodic drinker who could not stop at just one or two.  I didn't know how and that really baffled me.  I did not know why I had to get sick, black out or be forced by a friend to go home.  I just know that only God could have removed this obsession because I tried very hard to stop on my own.
Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for removing my obsession for alcohol.  Thank You for showing me the steps to maintaining a spiritual condition that keeps me sober.  Thank You.

Nonsense

The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job — wife or no wife — we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.  Big Book, p98

I had to learn this the hard way.  Within a few months after I entered into my first 12-Step room, my car was repossessed, my boyfriend left and I was laid off from my job.  My sponsor said, "looks like you have a lot of time on your hands now, do you think God might be hinting to you that its time to write your 4th step?"  I don't know why, but I listened, I wrote, I went to lots of meetings and I went to coffee with Fellowship people. 

Since entering the rooms I have seen my son run over by a humvee, my daughter cut herself (self-mutilation)and attempt suicide by overdose.  I was given the gift of a beautiful grandson and he was removed from my life two days after he was born.  I have been married and not married.  I have been employed and unemployed.  I have been overwhelmed and I have been underwhelmed.  The good news is that I haven't had to drink, pickup, gamble or smoke over it!  Thank You God!  Life is still in session.  Things do not work out the way I think they should.  Shit happens!  And yet, somewhere, deep down inside me is this fundamental idea of love and peace that reminds me I am always taken care of as are all of us.
Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for Your Grace.  Thank You for Your Love.  Thank You for always knowing what is best for all, even when my thoughts don't want to agree with You.  Thank You.

His Human Will Had Failed

But my friend sat before me, and he made the pointblank declaration that God had done for him what he could not do for himself. His human will had failed. Doctors had pronounced him incurable. Society was about to lock him up. Like myself, he had admitted complete defeat. Then he had, in effect, been raised from the dead, suddenly taken from the scrap heap to a level of life better than the best he had ever known!  Big Book, p11
I can't count the number of times I have tried to force my will on anything and everything.  I thought I could control my drinking.  I thought I could control my spouse.  I thought I could control my kids.  I literally beat myself into a place of complete defeat through messes I created as a result of my own thinking, will and behaviors.  After a bit of human will run riot, I am always brought to my knees in a beautiful state of surrender, which takes me always back to Steps 1, 2 and 3.  Here is the 3rd Step Prayer used by Dr. Bob:
Dear God,
I'm sorry about the mess I've made of my life.   I want to turn away from all the wrong things I've ever done and all the wrong things I've ever been. Please forgive me for it all.  I know You have the power to change my life and can turn me into a winner. Thank You, God for getting my attention long enough to interest me in trying it Your way.  God, please take over the management of my life and everything about me. I am making this conscious decision to turn my will and my life over to Your care and am asking You to please take over all parts of my life.  Please, God, move into my heart. However You do it is Your business, but make Yourself real inside me and fill my awful emptiness. Fill me with your love and Holy Spirit and make me know Your will for me. And now, God, help Yourself to me and keep on doing it. I'm not sure I want You to, but do it anyhow.  I rejoice that I am now a part of Your people, that my uncertainty is gone forever, and that You now have control of my will and my life. Thank You and I praise Your name. Amen.

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for taking my life as you would have it and not as I try to create it.  Thank You for changing my heart, my life and my behaviors one step at a time.  Thank You for showing me mercy in this process of recovery.   Thank You.

Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself

You are going to meet these new friends in your own community. Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds. High and low, rich and poor, these are future fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous. Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of 'Love thy neighbor as thyself'. Big Book, p152

No matter what these people look like, sound like, or act like, they are my fellows.  They have been on the same downward spiral I have into the abyss of alcoholism. 

"Whenever anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that: I am Responsible."

I have met glorious people in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.  They are walking, living, breathing miracles of a most awesome and loving God.   These are the people I am growing up with.  We reciprocate experience, strength and hope in all things.  We share from a level of absolute honesty and we love each other wholly and completely regardless of any seeming differences.  We are a Fellowship and we are friends and we walk this roomy, all-inclusive Broad Highway together.

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for the beautiful strangers from the past who are now my present friends, brothers and sisters.  Thank You.

A Course Of Vigorous Action

Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.

Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory. This was Step Four.  Big Book, p63

Causes and conditions reveal themselves to me as fear and selfish self-centeredness.  When I write down my resentments, and fill out the columns as outlined in the Big Book, the underlying root always boils down to a reaction I am experiencing that comes from my fears and delusional thinking.  My ego feels threatened in some way and I react.  And that reaction may be defined as resentment, bitterness, anger and rancor. This is something I cannot afford.  If my actions continue to harm others, I will surely drink again.  I am grateful today to see my part.  I am grateful today that this is something that can be changed, one step at a time, one day at a time, by the grace of my Higher Power. 

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for revealing these defects of character to me.  Thank You for showing me there is a better way.  Thank You for helping me to not harm another person today.  Thank You for getting down to the roots and making me fit to be of service to others.  Thank You.

Bottles Were Only A Symbol

Some day we hope that Alcoholics Anonymous will help the public to a better realization of the gravity of the alcoholic problem, but we shall be of little use if our attitude is one of bitterness or hostility. Drinkers will not stand for it.

After all, our problems were of our own making. Bottles were only a symbol. Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. We have to!  Big Book, p103
Resentments are my number one killer.  This is a luxury I simply cannot afford. 

I found myself starting arguments with people, places and things just to create an excuse to run back to the bottle.   I would create a beautiful drama, arrange the lights, the scenery and some person, place or thing would just not fit into my mental picture correctly and I would need a drink to get over it.  Or I would need a drink to have the courage to try to change someone or something (control).  Or I would need a drink to just forget everything and run (fear).  Or I would somehow feel responsible for things not turning out the way I thought they should and I would need a drink to soothe myself (guilt).  I had some really, really good reasons for drinking!  Looking back at my motives, my Higher Power has shown me why I cannot afford the luxury of this type of attitude.  It is always an excuse to react self-destructively. 

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for illuminating my mind enough to see this dis-ease for what it is.  Thank You for breaking through some of my delusions.  Thank You for showing me a better way of life, one day at a time.  Thank You.

The Result Was Nil Until...

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.   Big Book, p58

Giving up alcohol feels like jumping off a cliff.  It is incredibly scary.  And I get no results if I don't let go? 

What will life be like without alcohol? How will I function?  People might see how awful I really am and that frightens me.  So many thoughts come in and try to draw me back into the disease.  How cunning, baffling and powerful!
Letting go of old ideas is a difficult process for me.  I have so many preconceived notions of how things should be.  I live in all of these systems, routines and places that all look different, but all of them could be called 'comfort zones'.   And often these zones are destructive.   They cause most of my suffering, resentment, fear and anger.  I often get attached to the negative emotions themselves because they are so familiar to me.  The Big Book tells me to let go absolutely!  Let go and trust in a Higher Power.  How do I do that when I don't know how to trust?  I talk to my Higher Power and say what is inside of me.  I pray for guidance and the willingness to become willing to trust.  As I do this, more is revealed.  I begin to experinece the promises.  I seek less for myself.  I stop designing the lighting and the stage.  I begin to face life successfully with a new Presence to rely upon.  Fear begins to be removed. 

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for the courage to stay abstinent.  Thank You for strengthening my faith in You.  Thank You for never letting me fall without being there to catch me.  Thank You. 

~*~*~
Right after I prepared this post for the morning, this came to me in my inbox..  I would like to include it in case it may help someone (and me) along the way...

Daily Om
April 23, 2012
Willingness to Feel
Opening to Understanding

... When we are resisting something based on a limited understanding, we must then open ourselves to willingness.

There are times when we may find ourselves struggling or even fighting with our thoughts and emotions. We may feel that something must be done in a certain way or not at all, or there may be some other situation that feels absolutely black and white. But life is not this way—it’s the way we are looking at our experiences that is causing the turmoil within us. When we become aware that the struggle we are having is with ourselves, we can turn our attention to the source in order to solve the problem, but we must be being willing to look where we need to and feel emotions that may make us uncomfortable at first. Then we can choose to really open ourselves to understanding all the options we can imagine. We are likely to discover that we are resisting something based on a limited understanding, and we must then open ourselves to willingness.

When we are willing to look at all the possibilities, we also become willing to accept that there is room for more than we can imagine. We can release ourselves from the grip we had on our emotions and stop limiting ourselves. We may have been unwilling to experience feeling loss, confusion, fear, or even joy for some reason or another, but when we realize that our understanding was limited we allow space for the universe to move in our lives.

Opening ourselves to willingness may feel like we are surrendering or abandoning all that we believed. But at the same time it is an act of power and courage because it is a conscious choice we make about how to apply our personal will. Being willing is to be in a state of willing something into creation. It is at once allowing ourselves to be while also choosing to direct our energy in a focused way. It is being and doing from a place of openness, where we can work with the universe rather than resist it. It is an open hand rather than one that is clenched into a fist. When we make a step toward willingness, we open ourselves to truth, possibility, and the movement of the wise universe in and through our lives.

One Element

The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us.  But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined.  Big Book, p17

I haven't ever been on a sinking ship, but I can think of a situation that brings people together, but only temporarily.  I served on jury duty some years back and it was a very interesting case.  We spent a few days sequestered together and got to know each other pretty well.  The situation wasn't perilous to us, but it was certainly perilous to the defendant in the case and we took our roles seriously.  After much deliberation, we came to our conclusion.  Our spokesperson voiced our decision.  The judge excused us and I never saw those people again and I would not even recognize one of them today if I did.  The common solution held us together, but once the purpose was served, we disbanded and went our separate ways. 

Our common solution is what keeps us together in Alcoholics Anonymous.  Since this is a lifelong disease from which there is not 'cure', our purpose is infinite.  We are granted a daily reprieve based on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Maintenance includes giving this thing away to other alcoholics.  We have to hang together or die separately.

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for giving me this beautiful purpose to attend to.  Thank You for allowing me to be a vessel of Thy Will, Thy Love and Thy Power.  Thank You.

If We Have Carefully Followed Directions

Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power.  If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us.  To some extent we have become God-conscious.  We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense.  But we must go further and that means more action.  Big Book, p85

It's prayer and meditation time!  Some say prayer is talking to God, while meditation is receiving the message.  I believe that they are interconnected and I have a hard time separating them.  My prayers focus mainly on help with the next 24-hours and relief from the bondage of self.  I might ask for guidance, help, inspiration or courage to face something difficult, but I do not ask for God to do anything specific.  Otherwise, I am back to being the Director.  For me prayer is about raising my level of consciousness and not trying to bring God to the human level. 

Meditation for me is about being still.  It's about breath.  It's about quieting the chatter in my head or the monkey mind.  My very first sponsor told me to close my eyes and watch my breath go in and out of my heart.  I noticed that my thoughts would subside.  When they came back, I would just focus on my breathing in and out of my heart again and this would bring me back to the quiet stillness I desired.

Meditation is not only good for my physical health, it allows me to discover Truth underneath all of the distractions of daily living.  I can get under the advertising and principles that others want me to be or follow and discover what is really within me.  I don't believe there is any way you can do meditation 'wrong', but I do believe it takes practice to continually go deeper within. If you are a meditation beginner, I suggest this video.  It's awesome!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6eFFCi12v8

Thank You Higher Power. Thank You for this day.  Thank You for relieving me from the bondage of self one day at a time.  Thank You for Your inspiration, for our time together and for allowing me to rest in Your neverending love.  

The Bright Spot Of Our Lives

Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends - this is an experience you must not miss.  We know you will not want to miss it.  Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.  Big Book, p89

Life has taken on new meaning.  I love working with others and I love my sponsor.  I am convinced that God is present whenever I am working the Steps with someone.  My sponsor and I met yesterday as Thursdays are now our custom after a 3:00 p.m. meeting.  We are helping each other so much and I am so grateful for the opportunity to experience this leg of my journey with such an inspiring member of the group.  Our relationship is effortless and it flows because we both love this program, each other and studying the Big Book. 

Yesterday, I was able to give a 30-day A.A. token to someone I have sponsored in another 12-step program for a few years.  This is such an awesome program and an amazing way of life.  I get to see this fellowship grow up about me.  Not only do we grow as individuals, but we grow in numbers and in solidarity with our purpose, "to help another alcoholic".  I am grateful to be a part of this experience and I am grateful to be of use to others where I used to have nothing to transmit but the disease of the alcoholic mind.

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for the experience of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I do feel like one of the chosen ones.  I am thankful to be able to be a purveyor of You GOoDness.  Thank You for introducing me to this new way of life.  Thank You.  

Simple Cornerstone

As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way.  It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built.  Big Book, p47

This cornerstone is my pathway to peace.  I used to believe.  Today, I call it an intuitive knowing.  I have experienced my Higher Power in ways I never before thought imaginable since working the 12 Steps of recovery.  I suppose the experiences I have had are what the book means when it talks about being rocketed into a 4th dimension. I know Peace. The Presence of God is always there and I can experience it when I tap into it through contemplative prayer and meditation.  The meditation can be simply stillness and breathing.  I can rest in this Divine Presence whenever I want or need to. This Loving Presence is with me at all times.  I just need to remember.  I need to continually wake up from the hypnosis of worldly matters and keep focusing on the spiritual.  This is my cornerstone.  This is my path.  This is the reason I did not drink today. 

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for being One with me at all times.  Thank You for waking me up to the Divinity that exists within me, right now.  Thank You. 

Best Moments Drinking

My old manner of life was by no means a bad one, but I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. I would not go back to it even if I could.  Big Book, p43

A bad day sober is far greater than a good day drinking.   It all looked like a "good time" when I was drinking.  When I look back on it now, I hurt a lot of people, I endangered my children and I physically devastated my body among other things.  Today, there isn't the false sense of excitement, but there is tremendous peace in and through all things.  It is amazing to know that even through the greatest of storms peace, love and friendship is available in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for the love of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Thank you for the beautiful, peaceful moments in my life today.  Thank You. 

Consciousness of the Presence of God

When many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the Presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith.  Big Book, p51

When I hear other people have been abstinent from their addictions for any length of time, I know there is a Higher Power available to anyone.  No human power could relieve my alcoholism.  Family tried to talk me into being 'reasonable'.  A common theme was, "I'll just have this one to steady my nerves" or "I'll just drink a few to take the edge off", etc.  This was my attempt at trying to control something I am powerless over.    Since coming to believe there is a Power who could help me, I haven't had to take another drink.  It has required a daily surrender.  Faith without works is dead.  The works for me today are daily service and surrender of all people, places and things I am powerless over.

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for showing Your will for me daily.  Thank You for allowing consequences from my decisions.  Thank You for the Love and the Lessons.  Thank You.

Search Out Another Alcoholic

Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. One of our Fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others, who have since recovered, of their chance.  Big Book, p96

This is a hard one for me.  I am a total people pleaser!

My sponsor is working with me on discerning those who want this thing from those who don't.  I have noticed that some people get a sponsor just to say, "I have a sponsor", but they have no willingness to do the step work.  I work with several people and there have been times when I have had to ask people,  "Are you ready?  If you aren't, there is someone else waiting in line behind you that really wants to do this thing."   Sometimes, too, I am asked to sponsor people because they want someone to share in their pity party, commiserate, or just take their side on an issue.  Or, they want my approval on some project they are working on for the program, which I don't see as my purpose for being here.  If I felt called to do that, I would have joined a committee.  People may ask me to sponsor them and they need to be willing to do their part too.  In the book it says, "We are willing to go to any lengths", and if you are desperate enough, you will do the steps.  If you don't have the gift of desperation, then I can't help you anyway.    A day at a time, I get closer to spending my time more wisely and where I can be of maximum use. 

This may sound like judgment.  And for this, I work on self-forgiveness.   My Higher Power knows what I am going to discern/decide before it even becomes spoken and I am grateful knowing this.
Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for helping me with my people-pleasing.  Thank You for showing me who to work with and what You would have me do.  Thank You for your continued guidance.  Thank You.

Once An Alcoholic...

This case contains a powerful lesson.  Most of us have believed that if we remained sober for a long stretch, we could thereafter drink normally.  But here is a man who at fifty-five years found he was just where he had left off at thirty.  We have seen the truth demonstrated again and again:  "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic."  Big Book, p33

I am grateful for Step One.  It reminds me over and over where my stinking thinking and drinking took me.  I don't want to shut the door on the past because remembering it is a tool that may prevent me from my next drink.  It doesn't mean I wallow in self-pity or that I berate myself for my behavior.  It simply means, "I remember" and that I still have the lesson close at hand.  I am alcoholic.  I have attempted to control my alcoholism.  Nothing I have tried on my own works.  Being a part of the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, working the Steps with my sponsor and a little H.O.W. seem to be maintaining my spiritual fitness enough to not need another drink today.  And for that, I am grateful.

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for the gifts of honesty, open-mindedness and willingness.   Thank You for the courage and the strength to not have to test this powerful lesson.  Thank You for the willingness to accept this as a fact for me today.  I am alcoholic.  Thank You.

Spiritual Experience and Spiritual Awakening

The terms "spiritual experience" and "spiritual awakening" are used many times in this book which, upon careful reading, shows that the personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism has manifested itself among us in many different forms.  Yet it is true that our first printing gave many readers the impression that these personality changes, or religious experiences, must be in the nature of sudden or spectacular upheavels.  Happily for everyone, this conclusion is erroneous.  Big Book, Appendix II - Spiritual Experience

I was glad it said this somewhere in the book.  When I heard over and over about bright lights and Bill W. jumping out of his hospital bed, all overcome by Spirit, I really just wondered what the hell was wrong with me.  Nothing like that has happened to me yet in the program.  Now, I can tell you that I have noticed a progressive character change.  I have also noticed that, for me, this character change is just as dependent on a right relationship with my Higher Power and the maintenance of my spiritual condition as is my abstinence from alcohol.  I am grateful for the AA slogan, One Day at a Time.  It truly is all I can handle and really all I need to. 

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank You for the 24 hours I got to live today.  Thank You for breathe, for life and for insight into what truly matters to me.  Thank You for working with me on my character, just for today.  Thank You.

No Middle-Of-The-Road Solution

If you are so seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the regio...n from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort. Big Book, p25

I want spiritual help.  I am tired of hiding behind addictions of any kind.  I am ready to completely abandon myself and surrender to a Higher Power I can trust, love and believe in, even if this Higher Power is all of my own making/conception.  I am good with that.  I have noticed that the more I surrender, the more my life gets better and better.  It only seems to be when I try to "control" that things go downhill and I begin to want to drink.   Self-will is all I have known for so long!  I have tried to pigeonhole everything and everyone into some little box that makes me feel like everything is going to be okay, but that doesn't work for me anymore.  It just makes a bigger mess.  Higher Power, I am willing to let go now. 

Thank You Higher Power for always being there.  Thank You for always cleaning up my messes and turning them into messages just like the 3rd Step prayers says.  Thank You.

Work-Outs

The faith and sincerity of both you and your husband will be put to the test.  These work-outs should be regarded as part of your education, for thus you will be learning to live.  You will make mistakes, but if you are in earnest they will not drag you down.  Instead, you will captalize them.  A better way of life will emerge when they are overcome.  Big Book, p117

This is an important passage in the book to me.  I am an alcoholic and I am married to an alcoholic.  We both live in earnest and although sometimes things in our relationship look like they are in shambles, they are really a transfiguration of our relationship.  We always emerge from these 'tests" much stronger, more united and more loving than we were before.  

Just as in our personal recovery, our relationship foundations often get torn down to rebuild.  When I am acting on what I think things "should be", I believe that is the same as building a relationship on quicksand.  I am learning, one day at a time, to trust the process of life, God, and know that even though things don't look like I think they should, God has a plan for me and my relationships.

Thank You Higher Power for the beauty of relationships.  Thank You for this time to get to know my spouse and remember we have been in each other all along.  Thank You for the showing me how to love.  Thank You for showing me the great depths of love that can be found within me when I practice the Traditions in my relationships.  Thank You.   

But That Won't Fix It

He interrupted:  "I used to be strong for the church, but that won't fix it.  I've prayed to God on hangover mornings and sworn that I'd never touch another drop but by nine o'clock I'd be boiled as an owl."  Big Book, p158

I heard in the program that I can go to church to save my soul, but I need to go to meetings to save my ass.  This has been the case for me.  When I am abstinent without meetings I immediately fall into the old patterns of thinking, behaving and begin to pull the tent down over me and those around me.  At church, I don't find the identification I need with other people to solve this particular problem.  I also don't find the same degree of honesty that I find in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.  That sounds a little absurd through the lens of my old ideas, but I have come to accept this as a fact for me.  I need to be honest with myself completely, with all of my shortcomings, or I won't make it.  Alcoholics Anonymous is where I can be of maximum service to others.  Alcoholics Anonymous is where I see the 'gift of desperation" that seems to be a requirement for self-honesty.

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Thank You for my newfound friends.  Thank You for the honesty I get to experience in the rooms.  Thank you. 

We Had To Quit Playing God

This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom. Big Book, p62

My sponsor told me two things that I held onto that I relate to this passage. 

The first was that Step 7 says that God removes our shortcomings.  We do not control the speed or degree to which our defects of character are removed.  What may not be of use in a particular event, may be useful in another.  If I move out of the way, God will use what I call assets and defects for the greater good of all.  My little mind just can't see such big things at the time.  I do notice in hindsight sometimes how things did work out.  And I usually stand there with my jaw hanging out in awe of how things are connected.   One day I won't seem so surprised.  Today, though, I think it is just amazing "How It Works".

The second was that I never need apologize for being a child of God.  This gave me the comfort I needed to understand that my thinking is flawed, but I don't have to beat myself up for it.  We are all in this together.   While I may not be able to perfect anything in this book, I can certainly practice the principles with more forgiveness and less judgment against myself.  This is a triumphant arch for me, which has released me from a certain bondage.

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for the design for living that you have shown me through the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, the practice of my Fellows as example and Your neverending love.  Thank You.

God Either Is, Or He Isn't

When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing.  God either is, or He isn't.  Big Book, p53

If God isn't, then how did I come to be?  If God isn't, how do we have trees the grow and flowers that bloom?  If God isn't, where did the birds of the air or the stars in the sky come into existence?  If God isn't, how do I breath, how does my heart pump and how does my body know how to heal?  If God isn't, where did the moon come from?  If God isn't, what intelligent power is telling the tides in the ocean to ebb and flow?  If God isn't, how come I haven't received anywhere near as much pain as I have dished out?  For me, God just is.

Thank You Higher Power.   Thank You for showing me your existence in such gentle ways.  Thank You for Your Divine Grace.  Thank You.

Damn Little To Laugh About

"Yes, that's me," said the sick man, "the very image. You fellows know your stuff all right, but I don't see what good it'll do. You fellows are somebody. I was once, but I'm a nobody now. From what you tell me, I know more than ever I can't stop." At this both the visitors burst into a laugh. Said the future Fellow Anonymous: "Damn little to laugh about that I can see."  Big Book, p157

I came into the rooms with what I now know is the gift of desperation.  I thought there was no way in hell I could ever stop.  I got so mad at all of you for laughing at my first meeting.  I thought, "What a bunch of #$%@*$!.  I can't believe they are laughing.  This is serious.  I'm dying here."  Someone talked to me after my first meeting and told me that the laughter was evidence that if I stuck around, I could one day be happy too.  I was reminded that at this meeting there was quite a bit of sobriety and that was evidence that I could sober up.  When I stopped feeling sorry for myself for just a moment and listened to this man, I received the gift of hope.  And now, when I say "we are not a glum lot", that includes me too.

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for the gift of desperation.  Thank You for the gift of Hope.  And thank You for the gift of laughter.  Thank You.

Alcoholic Death or Spiritual Basis?

To one who feels he is an atheist or agnostic such an experience seems impossible, but to continue as he is means disaster, especially if he is an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face.  Big Book, p44

Whenever I stop going to meetings I end up at the crossroads again.  I have a choice. 

Do I want to gamble my recovery away by resting on my laurels and trying what I think is the easier, softer way?  Or do I want to walk the path of recovery? 

Do I want to live my life based on the Spiritual Principles outlined in the Big Book or do I want to die? 

Do I want to have real relationships?  Or do I want to continue to put those who love me through the hell of watching me destroy myself?

However I write the question it really boils down to living or dying because I am already dead when I'm drinking, even if my physical body hasn't completely given out yet. 

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for guiding me to the rooms.  Thank You for guiding me to these people who continually teach me how to live and live well.  Thank You.

Faced With This Problem

Faced with this problem, if a doctor is honest with himself, he must sometimes feel his own inadequacy. Although he gives all that is in him, it often is not enough. One feels that something more than human power is needed to produce the essential psychic change. Though the aggregate of recoveries resulting from psychiatric effort is considerable, we physicians must admit we have made little impression upon the problem as a whole. Many types do not respond to the ordinary psychological approach. Big Book, pxxvii

I love that Dr. Silkworth wrote this.  If someone with this much education and practice with alcoholism is powerless, then why would I think I can do this alone?  When I first walked into a room of Alcoholic's Anonymous, I did not have any awareness of any kind of Power greater than myself.  My addictions were my Higher Power and I sought solace in them.  When I started to listen in 12-Step rooms, it was revealed to me that all of us were in the same boat.  By ourselves, there was nothing we could do to abstain! 

The rooms became my Higher Power.  I saw that collectively we could help each other not drink.  Then I recognized in the Traditions, "a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience".  This caused me to dig a little deeper.  I realized there was something working through each of us and that it only happened when we gathered together.  The Truth gets spoken. 

Today, as I surrender to the will of my Higher Power and ask what I might do for the man who still suffers, even more is revealed to me in the rooms.  Amazing how that works!  My psychic change has been a 'baby steps' process.  And I am grateful for each little step, just as I am when watching a baby learn to walk for the first time.  It is a joyful experience.

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for Dr. Silkworth.  Thank You for those who have come before me.  Thank You for my new sponsor!  Thank You for having me go through the Steps and the Big Book again.  Thank You.

Alcohol Was My Master

No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity.  Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match.  I had been overwhelmed.  Alcohol was my master.  Big Book, p8

I placed all of my self-worth on financial success, achievement, performance, grades and all the worldly standards I was taught.  I fought hard to achieve.  I fought hard to be the best at work, at school, as a parent.  I kept up with the Smiths and the Joneses.   I was overwhelmed in keeping up with all of this and only King Alcohol could ease my worries and comfort me when I didn't measure up.  I lived in fear and quiet desperation and the drink soothed that.  As long as I kept drinking, I got to keep trying to do things the way the world told me to and I didn't have to think.  I was like a numb machine.  I was on my way.  Yes, I was on my way to a bottomless pit of quicksand, just like Bill describes in this passage of the book.  The Big Book and the Steps have led me to a Higher Power that works with me and this has given me a better foundation on which to live my life.  My life is not built on a bed of quicksand anymore.  It is built on a solid foundation.  And no matter how much time I have in the program, it only "works if I work it".  If I don't work this program, my alcoholic mind starts to take over again,  I have discovered that I don't have to drink to be miserable.  If I dont work this program, that same misery will lead me back to the quicksand.  I didn't become miserable because I drank.  I drank because I was already miserable and the denial was so thick that I couldn't see it at first.
Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for a little more honesty today.  Thank You for a little more willingness today.  Thank You for a little more openmindedness today.  Thy will be done.  Thank you.

Mastering Resentments

We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us.  In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments
must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol. Big Book, p66

Everyone dominated me.  I let them.  I didn't realize until I came to the program and worked the Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous that I gave everyone I knew the power to hurt me.  I loved playing the victim role.  If I was victimized, I had excuses.  If I played the victim, I got pity and attention from others.  After working the steps I realized that this attention-seeking behavior was killing me.  The dramas that I would get caught up in was killing me emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.  I would react and yell, scream, and hurt others.  And when I was through I would experience shame that was great enough to bring me right back into the cycle of addiction.  I would drink, use or gamble my way into anesthesia because I didn't want to see how sick I was.  Sharing a moral inventory with God and another human being has helped me work through many of these resentments.  All of them led to the discovery of a fear within me and reliance on some security that isn't the God of my understanding.  As these new ideas were revealed to me, I started to scratch the surface of recovery.  God began to raise my consciousness so that I became aware enough to take action on these resentments as they happened and not reach for another drink.  As long as I have God, a laptop or a pen, pencil and piece of paper, I have a tool to write myself to freedom from alcohol. 

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for removing another set of chains from me.  Thank You for the sobriety I am experiencing right now in this moment.  Thank You for your gentle ways.  Thank You.

Daily Reprieve

"It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." Big Book, p85

Yesterday, I sat in a room of Alcoholics Anonymous and the topic was "How do you stay spiritually fit?".   Most of my M-F days go something like this.  I wake up and I try to make my first thought, "Thy Will Be Done".  If it isn't my first thought, I examine what is coming before my Higher Power (rushing, anxiety, problems?).  I make a latte at home.  I read from several Daily Reflection type books.  I get ready for work.  I talk to my Higher Power on my way to work (or someone from the program if they call).  I write this blog and read some other recovery material when I first get to work.  I do a short breathing style meditation.  I go to a daily meeting after work.  I might meet with someone from the program after the meeting or  I might have dinner, go to a movie or spend time with family.  I get ready for bed.  I read a few more spiritual materials and I have a Big Book Quote for the Day that comes to me in email form.  I do my evening meditation.  I blow the candles out, turn on some ambient music, review the day (Step 10) and thank God for the day itself.   What I love most about these days is that they lack something.  They lack drama.  Praise God!  I am so content that my day seems to become the daily reprieve itself.  I have no desire for the old way of life and I have a strong desire to get to know my Higher Power and get to know Peace.

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for bringing this continuity of peace into my life.  Thank You for teaching me to be receptive to it.  Thank You for being the Light on my shadows.  Thank You.

Root and Branch

"I humbly offered myself to God, as I then I understood Him, to do with me as He would. I placed myself unreservedly under His care and direction. I admitted for the first time that of myself I was nothing; that without Him I was lost. I ruthlessly faced my sins and became willing to have my new-found Friend take them away, root and branch."  Big Book, p13

Have you ever noticed what happens when you pull dandelions up but don't get them by the whole root?  They multiply!  The same goes with my character defects, my negative thoughts and my bad behavior.  My Higher Power, my new-found Friend is that only remedy I have found to turn my seeds into something "happy, joyous and free".  In Step 3, we "turn our will and our lives over to the care of God" and in Step 7 it says, "we humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings".  It doesn't say that human power removes these character defects.  My job in this whole thing is to face squarely the facts about me and become willing to allow God to remove anything that stands in the way of my usefulness to Him.  I can try to remove the defects, but that is just like using a weed whacker on dandelions.  It might look good on the surface for a while, but when it comes back, it is just like the alcoholic progression, it grows back even fiercer, thicker and more unmanageable than before. 

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank you for uprooting those things that I have surrendered to You.  Thank You for showing me what I am still hanging onto.  Thank You for being ever available to me in my time of need.  Thank You.

Transcended by the Happiness

"These men had found something brand new in life. Though they knew they must help other alcoholics if they would remain sober, that motive became secondary. It was transcended by the happiness they found in giving themselves for others."  Big Book, p159
I used to literally cringe when someone said, "you touched me when you said that" or "your sharing really spoke to my heart".  At first, I just didn't understand.  I had been in a state of numbness for so long that I was truly afraid that letting someone into my heart would surely kill me.   Then, I was jealous and envious because the people who said that looked happy and I couldn't get it. I suffered from a lack of trust, but I knew how I was approaching this wasn't working either.  I had to surrender my life (not just the alcohol) to a Power greater than myself.  This process allowed me to open up to others a little bit more each day.  I relate to others in a way I never thought possible I no longer felt/feel all alone.  I was at home with a group of irritable, discontented, "trying to stay sober" people who knew exactly how and what I was/am.  A day at a time, I work with others because I feel this incredible at-one-ness. 

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for showing me what this prayer/poem means.  "I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see. I sought my God, but my God eluded me. I sought my brother and I found all three." ~  William Blake.  Thank you.

I'm Jittery and Alone

We know what you are thinking.  You are saying to yourself:  "I'm jittery and alone.  I couldn't do that."  But you can.  You forget that you have just now tapped a source of power much greater than yourself.  To duplicate, with such backing, what we have accomplished is only a matter of willingness, patience and labor.  Big Book, p163

Willingness is a spiritual key to my recovery.  I look up words in the dictionary a lot that I find in the Big Book, even the ones that aren't in the Big Book dictionary.  Sometimes I think I understand, but I really don't understand the meanings, even with the most common of words.  I found myself willing to surrender first to the idea of Program Principles.  These Principles of honesty, openmindedness, etc., are all powers greater than myself.  It is what got me started.  I found that if I practiced honesty, the Universe would respond with honesty.  If I practiced openmindedness, the Universe would respond in kind.  This was an opportunity to build trust.  I no longer felt alone.  As I practiced, I started to build a relationship with a Higher Power and as I began to recognize that this is what I was doing, I was able to turn my life and care over to this Power. 

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for Your unending love, care and strength when I most need it.  Thank You for guiding me to the right meetings, the most amazing people and for helping me develop friendships and rekindle old ones.  Thank You.