Alcohol Was My Master

No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity.  Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match.  I had been overwhelmed.  Alcohol was my master.  Big Book, p8

I placed all of my self-worth on financial success, achievement, performance, grades and all the worldly standards I was taught.  I fought hard to achieve.  I fought hard to be the best at work, at school, as a parent.  I kept up with the Smiths and the Joneses.   I was overwhelmed in keeping up with all of this and only King Alcohol could ease my worries and comfort me when I didn't measure up.  I lived in fear and quiet desperation and the drink soothed that.  As long as I kept drinking, I got to keep trying to do things the way the world told me to and I didn't have to think.  I was like a numb machine.  I was on my way.  Yes, I was on my way to a bottomless pit of quicksand, just like Bill describes in this passage of the book.  The Big Book and the Steps have led me to a Higher Power that works with me and this has given me a better foundation on which to live my life.  My life is not built on a bed of quicksand anymore.  It is built on a solid foundation.  And no matter how much time I have in the program, it only "works if I work it".  If I don't work this program, my alcoholic mind starts to take over again,  I have discovered that I don't have to drink to be miserable.  If I dont work this program, that same misery will lead me back to the quicksand.  I didn't become miserable because I drank.  I drank because I was already miserable and the denial was so thick that I couldn't see it at first.
Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for a little more honesty today.  Thank You for a little more willingness today.  Thank You for a little more openmindedness today.  Thy will be done.  Thank you.