Trudging

I haven't posted to this blog in quite a while.  I've been reflecting a lot as this past year has been a year of substantial Trudging!

http://bigbookblogging.blogspot.com/2012/06/twisted-relations.html

I wrote this post in June, 2012 and when I read back on it now, I see that I am once again NOT practicing these principles in all of my affairs.  After I wrote the original post, I met someone and I was completely myself with this person.  It was the first time I had dared to really be me and I was hurt very deeply and he was a member of AA and GA, just like I was.  I was devastated by him, but I didn't turn to the steps.  I didn't get quiet.  I didn't listen to my innermost self.  I acted out and I did it in a big way.  I shared with my Sponsor and held back some of the things that were hurting me on the inside.  I was as sick as my secrets.  I was once again giving away my integrity for the approval and love of someone new because I hadn't dealt with my resentment.  I didn't deal with the fact that I believed a lie about myself.  I didn't forgive this person and I didn't forgive AA or GA for producing such behavior.  I trudged, white-knuckled, went through one tragedy after another all year and finally, today, on my 4 year clean and sober / 11 year non-gambling anniversary, I can say this is part of my past.  With everything that has happened this year; which includes the loss of my father, my sponsor and the birth of the grandchild, the near death of a child and being burglarized and sued and on and on and on.....  The only thing that really hurt and threatened my sobriety was my actions and my putting a person in place of my Higher Power.  I am grateful to the rooms of AA and GA, because in spite of my own behaviors and actions, I am still not drinking, gambling or smoking today.

Effect

 

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless
they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—drinks which they see others taking with impunity."

~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, The Doctor's Opinion, pg. xxviii~

It's been a while since I have blogged, but writing is always one of my best coping tools when I am out of sorts and feeling such a depth of powerlessness.  In spite of the fact that life is in session and isn't what I would call "perfect", I do have a sense of ease and comfort without drink.  I know that no matter what happens in and around my life, that drinking will only make things worse.  I will lose my ability to be of service to others.  I will forget how to take care of myself and the 'effect' will be my only pursuit.  I am so grateful for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Problem Solved

 

 

"If God can solve the age-old riddle of alcoholism, He can solve your problems too."  Big Book, p116

This has been one of the facts of my experience.  I have had many obsessions removed by relying on God.  There is nothing that God can't handle.  All I need to do is look at the facts objectively as possible, spend time in prayer in meditation, and act on any intuition I receive.  And, if there is something I cannot change (people, places and things), then God will handle all that and I don't need to worry about it.  It is sooo simple, yet sooo hard for a control freak like me!  I am reminded of a saying, "If you pray, why worry and if you worry, why pray".

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for Your patience with me.  Thank You for removing so many obsessions from me and thank You for taking care of the defects I have been willing to let go of.  Thank You.

Scales of Pride

"Thus was I convinced that God is concerned with us humans when we want Him enough. At long last I saw, I felt, I believed. Scales of pride and prejudice fell from my eyes. A new world came into view." Big Book, p12

I want Him enough!

Thank You Higher Power. Thank You for bringing this ego into awareness. Thank You for stopping me in my tracks when I want to be right rather than kind. Thank You.

Self-Seeking

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.


Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.





From self-seeking to seeking Self.  That is my journey.  This is the journey from head to heart.   This is the journey from chaos to peace.  This is the journey from separation to unity.   This is the journey from resistance and fear to acceptance and love. This is where I understand my relationship with my Creator.  This is where I understand where my place is with my Fellows.  Unique, special and loved on the earthly plane, yet exactly the same in Spirit.  Self-seeking slips away because I find myself in You and you.  There is no Self without all of you and You.


Thank You Higher Power.  Simply Thank You.  For the lessons, for the love, for the discipline, for the adversity, for the growth....  Thank You.


Other promises found in the Big Book can be seen here:  


http://friendsofbillw.net/the_big_book_promises

Fine Doctors

 

 

"God has abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors, psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds. Do not hesitate to take your health problems to such persons. Most of them give freely of themselves, that their fellows may enjoy sound minds and bodies." Big Book, p133


This is a hard one for me to accept.  I hear from a great many people that Doctors, pharmaceuticals and insurance companies are just after money and that I should always be skeptical.   I am already a bit of a naturalist in that I only take medicine if I feel terrible and even then I wrestle with taking tylenol.


I have just begun a new process of taking care of myself this month.  I have been to several doctors for all of my annual checkups, including the dentist, which I barely tolerate.  I have asked their guidance on what is best and when I should take medicines, rely on food changes, etc.  


I take the time to find the root of the problem (usually rooted in some kind of fear) and I approach it holistically, by doing Step Work to cleanse my mind and by eating the right foods that support wellness and healing.  


I focus on "Loving my Body" as it houses Spirit.  It is a temple and should be treated accordingly.  I have to use the Serenity Prayer for the wisdom to know the difference a lot of the time.  I have to be willing to look for a doctor that I respect and will heed.  That is part of my footwork in getting any treatments I might need.  I focus on loving my body as it is a temple for Spirit and let go of any fear.  I trust that God will lead me to the right people to provide me the best care.


Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for showing me the path of healing and wholeness.  Thank You for guidance in all things medical, so that I may be well in body, mind and spirit.  May I do Thy Will always.  

Unlovely Creature

"An alcoholic in his cups is an unlovely creature." Big Book, p16


I wish I had a then and now picture!  Oh wait, I do.  My driver's licenses.  


In my picture in 2002, I looked like a thug with uncombed hair that was wild and awful.  I look like I just woke up.  I was expressionless.  My face was ruddy from the effects of no sleep, drugs, smoking, gambling and alcohol.  I struggled with depression and mania.  I cried in fits of rage and yelled at my kids.  I was truly an unlovely creature!!


In my picture in 2008, I looked entirely transformed.  My hair was straightened, shiny and combed.  I was smiling (even after sitting at the DMV).  My skin was vibrant and glowing.  And one day at a time, my attitude gets better and better.


Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for the gift of living.  Thank You for removing my craving for alcohol and for showing me how close I really was to dying.  Thank You.