Twisted Relations

But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.  Page 53, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Four

Twisted relations is right!  I did not realize how much we hold one another hostage until I began to share my 4th Step with my sponsor.  I saw how my own reaction and resentments are what shut me off from the Sunlight of the Spirit and it wasn't anyone's fault but my own.  I was such a big shot, or so I thought.   Every relation I had was based on a lie because I always kept the truth hidden, altered the truth or blatantly lied.  Much of the manipulation that I pulled off took the rights from other people.  All of their decisions regarding our interactions were founded in lies and half-truths.  How can I expect to be in a partnership with this kind of behavior?  It was always about me, me and me! 

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for the willingness to look at my defects of character.  Thank You for the willingness to write down those I have harmed.  Thank You for turning my big mess in to a message You can carry to others through me and my experiences.  Thank You.