Now These Are About To Be Cast Out

 

 

"Having made our personal inventory, what shall we do about it? We have been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our Creator, and to discover the obstacles in our path. We have admitted certain defects; we have ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is; we
have put our finger on the weak items in our personal inventory. Now these are about to be cast out. This requires action on our part, which, when completed, will mean that we have admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our defects. This brings us to the Fifth Step in the program of recovery mentioned in the preceding chapter."  Big Book, p72

I am so grateful for my Sponsors past and present.  I am grateful that each one has listened to my inventory and allowed it to be what it is.  I wasn't chastised for any behaviors.  I wasn't pitied for any incidents where I might have been labeled 'victim'.  These Sponsors just listened, offered compassion, some good laughs and even shared their own experiences if they were similar to mine.  The freedom of knowing I am not the only one has been a catapult in my life.  Before program, I was isolated and I thought I had been the only one to endure what I endured.  As a result of Step Five, I was able to release resentments.  I thought I was the only one to commit certain acts that were unhealthy and harmful to myself and others.  As a result of Step Five, I was able to release guilt, shame and remorse and trade these in for an actual 'learning of the lesson' that I was being taught.  

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for the freedom of the bondage of self.  Thank You for the intimacy I am learning with Self.  And Thank You for the loving support throughout this journey of life.  Thank You.

God Is

"God is everything or else He is nothing.  God either is, or He isn't.  What was our choice to be?"  Big Book, p53

This drives it home.  There is no room left to wiggle out of it any longer.  It's either yes or no.  When I look at the stars in the sky, the flowers in bloom, or I take a journey through my past, I can see there is God.  The rotation of sun and moon controlling the tides.  The fact that I am alive, in spite of some scary choices I have made in the past.  Yes, there must be a God or I wouldn't be here.


Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for showing me the many things You care for, including me.  Thank You.

Daily Reprieve

"What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition."  Big Book, p85
How do I maintain my spiritual condition?  I go to meetings.  I meet with my sponsor regularly and work the steps and the traditions I try to practice them in all of my affairs.  I practice prayer in the morning, "Thy Will Be Done" and prayer in the evening, "Thank You".  I journal frequently, both on paper and electronically.  I meet with other recovering alcoholics on a regular basis.  And I watch my thoughts for stinkin-thinkin!

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for giving me these wonderful tools of recovery.  Thank You for making the phone not actually feel like the 1000 lbs. my head tells me it weighs.  Thank You for lifting denial from me about my illness so I remain humble enough to use these tools of recovery.  Thank You.

Placing the Problem

"If a repetition is to be prevented, place the problem, along with everything else, in God's hands."  Big Book, p120

Even though this excerpt is from Chapter "To Wives", I find it applies to me as the alcoholic as well.  Repetition in this sense means insanity or "doing the same thing over and over expecting different results".  And for me, to avoid repetition of my addiction, my character defects or even negative thoughts, I find that the best thing for me to do is to stop, slow down for a moment and offer it to my Higher Power.  I deny my ability to handle it and surrender it.  And, God always does for me what I cannot do for myself.  The more I remember this and practice this principle, the more serenity and peace I experience.

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for this new way of thinking and living.  Thank You for handling my burdens and making the terms easier for me.  Thank You.

Seriously Alcoholic

"If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort." Big Book, p25

I am willing to accept spiritual help today.  I nearly died from trying to blot out all consciousness of anything going on in my life.  I was one of those people driven by 1000 forms of fear and self-delusion and I didn't even know it.  I acknowledge that the fear still exists now, but it doesn't drive me to drink.  I have a Higher Power that loves me and that I trust with almost all of my affairs.  I have a Fellowship of men and women I can talk too when things get rough because I forget I can trust my Higher Power.

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for taking care of every detail of my life.  Thank You for the Love You have given me within and the Love You have manifested through the Group.  Thank You. 
 

Simple, But Not Easy

"Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid.  It meant destruction of self-centeredness.  I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all."  Big Book, p14

This is a big price and so worth it!  I have found that the only way to do this is by working the steps.  The steps break through the denial.  Beginning with prayer to the Father of Light, I ask that He show me what I need to see for this day, for the step work I am about to begin and I pray for His Will to be done.  As I write, I discover my side of the street.  I see the manipulation, the control, the self-centered behaviors.  I continue to put it down in black and white not worrying yet about sharing this with someone.  I keep my writing safely stored.  When I am done for the period, I say a short prayer of gratitude and let go and let God.  When I meet with my sponsor, I share what I have written, learned and my feelings about what I wrote down.  My sponsor helps me see clearly where I have too much guilt, false responsibility and fear.  And, as I become willing to release some of my shortcomings, we offer and turn in my character defects for God to work with them, on His time.

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for your grace in revealing my self-centered behaviors.  Thank You for showing me the difference between being selfish (e.g., going to meetings and taking care of myself) and selfish self-centeredness (e.g., expecting others to revolve around me).  Thank You for being the Loving Light that you are.  Thank You.

Digesting Some Big Chunks

"In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning. That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself."  Big Book, p70

I am grateful for this process.  When I first began to accept the truth about how sick I really was and am still, I got to see the power of God in action.  I could see where I could not control my behaviors for any length of time.  This includes my alcoholism/addictions as well as the rest of my shortcomings.  I could see fear was at the root of most of my problems.  Having made this beginning, I experienced more willingness to continue.  That has been one of the gifts I've received in recovery.

Thank You Higher Power.  Thank You for helping me make this beginning.  If I had not found You in Step 2 and learned to trust You in Step 3, I could not have faced squarely the facts about this illness.  Thank You for Your Grace in showing me the truth about my behaviors.  Thank You.