Poisoning

The man in the bed was told of the acute poisoning from which he suffered, how it deteriorates the body of an alcoholic and warps his mind.  There was much talk about the mental state preceding the first drink.  Big Book, p157

I am grateful.  I am grateful because of the miracles that happen in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I have put poisons into my body.  I have suffered.  I have been insane in ways I thought I would never recover.  I was in a hopeless state of mind and body.  And yet, here I am, participating in a fellowship I love.  I write my way to freedom each day.  I am of some service to others, which makes me feel useful.  I don't hide anymore.  And the list goes on...

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for some restored sanity.  Thank you for making me useful to you, myself and others.  Thank you for taking me mess and turning it into a message of hope for others.  Thank you! 

Taking Stock

We did exactly the same thing with our lives.  We took stock honestly.  First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure.  Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations. Big Book, p64

"Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways".  This reminds me of "As a Man Thinketh, so is He".  If I come from a place of ego, then I will manifest a life of ego.  If I come from a place of love, then I will manifest a life of love.  Now I think I know what my sponsor meant.  My sponsor used to say, "A loving person lives in a loving world and a hateful person lives in a hateful world."  That makes a lot of sense to me now.  If I operate from self-will or "me, my and mine", then I am going to get a "me, my and mine" response from the Universe and so I am left selfish and alone.  Now, if I ask the question, "How may I serve?", then the Universe is going to say, "How may I serve?" and then all is shared loving service.  But my focus would have to remain on what I am doing, not what I am getting, otherwise, I am still being selfish and self-centered. 

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for such beautiful connections.  It is only through these steps, with your guidance, that I am able to enjoy life in such a meaningful way.  Thank you.

Those We Have Harmed

Probably there are still some misgivings.  As we look over the list of business acquaintances and friends we have hurt, we may feel diffident about going to some of them on a spiritual basis.  Let us be reassured.  To some people we need not, and probably should not emphasize the spiritual feature on our first approach.  Big Book, p76

I was very shy about approaching people on a spiritual basis because I didn't have any wisdom or experience for a long, long time.  I did the two-step (steps 1 and 12) illusion for a long time.  I did service and had surrendered to the program, but nothing in between.   In my first year, I made a list of those I had harmed and I went around trying to make amends to everyone, but it wasn't on a spiritual basis within me either. It was more like running around trying to dump my guilt, but there was little compassion or love in the process.  I also found that even when I was ready to make amends out of love, some folks didn't care about a spiritual awakening because they weren't ready, just as I was not ready before I came to my first meeting.  I had to trust my Higher Power that the right words would come and they most assuredly did.  And in most cases, there were positive results of relationships healing, financial debts being paid,etc.  There were some who needed to see the change for themselves before any rebuilding of trust could happen.  And even that was left to my Higher Power.  The Truth really doesn't need a defense.

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for giving me the courage and the strength to try to see things from someone else's point of view.  Thank you for releasing me from the bondage I tried to put myself in by being evangelical and preaching.  Thank you for your acceptance in just being me.  Thank you.

A Design for Living

We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowing men.  What seemed at first a flimsy read, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God.  A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works.  Big Book p28

I had my list of dos and don'ts.  I had my list of what was 'expected' of me, and when I fell short of meeting those goals, achievements or routines, I felt unworthy, ashamed, and less than.  I learned as I was growing up that to please my father (who was the closest thing to God I understood as a child), that I must get good grades, keep things clean, etc., or I wasn't doing my part.  When I didn't meet his expectations, I was punished.  As a result, it was only natural for me to punish myself as an adult, when I didn't meet these same types of expectations.  My dad was a great father and was simply trying to instill discipline.  It was me who took so long in putting down the 'bat'.  I love negative emotions and I love to beat myself up. 

In the Sermon on the Mount (Emmet Fox), it says, "...remorse, as distinct from repentance, is merely a form of spiritual pride.  To revel in it, as some people do, is treason to the love and forgiveness of God..."  Wow! 
What a blessing it is to learn that changing my mind is what is important and I can choose to do that without self-punishment.  Have you ever recognized beating yourself up to make others believe that you were truly sorry?  I think that is where some of my most manipulative tactics have come from and I am just now waking up to it.

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for this wonderful insight.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Great Fact

Our book is meant to be suggestive only.  We realize we know only a little.  God will constantly disclose more to you and to us.  Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick.  The answers will come, if your own house is in order.  But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got.  See to it that your relationship is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others.  This is the Great Fact for us.  Big Book, p164

This is one of my favorite passages.  You will hear me say that all the time because I am in love with this book, so I am not contradictory, just blessed differently every time I read it!  haha.
I have seen this passage work in my life over and over and over in a short period of time.  Incredible synchronicities!  I have been gifted with loving relationships that have allowed me the freedom to roam because I have been able to accept, a little more each day, each person that presents themselves to me.  And not as I would have it, but as the God of my understanding would have it.  I am able to recognize my 'self' in others and it has allowed me to express compassion and understanding, rather than wanting to change others into something they may not be.  I mean, if Step 7 says to humbly ask God to remove my defects, then it must be God who works with them too, right?  So why am I always questioning and wanting to change God's work?  hmmmm.. More food for thought. 

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for this Great Fact.  Thank you for showing me the way to love.  Thank you for lifting me out of the two-step illusion into making me useful to you and others.  Thank you.

Organized Religion

We, who have traveled this dubious path, beg you to lay aside prejudice, even against organized religion.  Big Book p49

This was a must for me!  If the word "beg" had not been in this sentence, I don't know if I would have taken this sentence it as seriously as I did.  As a result, a whole new world of opportunities have opened up for me.  I have found a place where different religions meet and it seems to me that they all meet upon the principles of Honesty, Open-Mindedness and Willingness.  And, in spite of what I may have heard about certain religions or even how 'some' people practice religion, I have found at the core of each lies the same great purpose of learning how to Love.  And, even if it looks really bad on the outside (wars being waged, discriminations against women, etc.), I have to realize that the people who do these things, just haven't gotten to the Truth yet.  For if they knew how Loving God and our fellows could be, they certainly would change their minds.

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for the Love!  Thank you for loving me through our connection.  Thank you for loving me through other members.  Thank you.

New Power

As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter.  We were reborn.   Big Book, p63

I remember this feeling washing over me one day.  It was in the midst of an adversity while I was late in my second year of recovery.  It was the moment I turned my life over to some infinite love, possibility and potential.  I suppose someone might call that God.  I saw a door I could walk through that said above it, "all your needs are met here".  I walk through that door each time I realize I have, once again, started resting on my own laurels.   I am so thankful I know where to find that door!  In my minds eye, it is as I described above.  In the physical realm, it is the open door to a meeting, where I am welcomed and loved and cherished for being just who I am.

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for showing me the doorway to the present moment, where all of my needs are met and no fear, sickness or worries exist.  It is that place inside of me where I can meet you in perfect peace.  Thank you for the keys to the Kingdom.  Thank you.