A Design for Living

We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowing men.  What seemed at first a flimsy read, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God.  A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, "a design for living" that really works.  Big Book p28

I had my list of dos and don'ts.  I had my list of what was 'expected' of me, and when I fell short of meeting those goals, achievements or routines, I felt unworthy, ashamed, and less than.  I learned as I was growing up that to please my father (who was the closest thing to God I understood as a child), that I must get good grades, keep things clean, etc., or I wasn't doing my part.  When I didn't meet his expectations, I was punished.  As a result, it was only natural for me to punish myself as an adult, when I didn't meet these same types of expectations.  My dad was a great father and was simply trying to instill discipline.  It was me who took so long in putting down the 'bat'.  I love negative emotions and I love to beat myself up. 

In the Sermon on the Mount (Emmet Fox), it says, "...remorse, as distinct from repentance, is merely a form of spiritual pride.  To revel in it, as some people do, is treason to the love and forgiveness of God..."  Wow! 
What a blessing it is to learn that changing my mind is what is important and I can choose to do that without self-punishment.  Have you ever recognized beating yourself up to make others believe that you were truly sorry?  I think that is where some of my most manipulative tactics have come from and I am just now waking up to it.

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for this wonderful insight.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!