Something Happens

We know that while the alcoholic keeps away from drink, as he may do for months or years, he reacts much like other men.  We are equally positive that once he takes any alcohol whatever into his system, something happens, both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for him to stop.  The experience of any alcoholic will abundantly confirm this.  Big Book, p22-23

I am a periodic drinker.  I can go without a drink for some time, but the moment I take a drink, the reaction is immediate and the same.  All of the insecurities inside of me are unleashed and I become obnoxious.  I seek attention.  I start hurting people.  I feel all-powerful.  I make poor choices for my well-being and the well-being of those that I love.  I endanger myself and others.  And, I can't stop drinking until a force that is not my decides it is time to stop.  I either get to spend the night laying curled up next to the toilet, or I black out and wake up the next morning in a placeI don't remember being, or I would drink myself 'straight' where the alcohol stopped having the effect I was looking for.  That sad part is that when the alcohol stopped having the effect I was looking for, I somehow thought that meant I was sober and could drive.  I can only describe the process as insanity and the morning after as "pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization". 

Thank You Higher Power for relieving my obsession to drink.  Thank You for my abstinence today.  Thank You for my sobriety.  Thank You.

Sweeping Off Our Side Of The Street

Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. Simply tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past. We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worth while can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. If our manner is calm, frank, and open, we will be gratified with the result. Big Book, p77-78

This is difficult to do without saying the word "but".  Whenever I would try to do this on my own, without my Higher Power, I found that I would start cleaning up my side of the street only to say after, "but, you did such and such".  I found myself still trying to justify my actions.  How cunning, baffling and powerful is this disease!!   Often I found that cleaning up my side of the street was born out of guilt and not out of love.  When I turn to my Higher Power first I pray something like, "God, please don't let me hurt anyone and please give me the words of your choosing.  Let me be an instrument for healing and not self-centered scheming".  There have been times when I was waiting on someone I was supposed to meet and the moment I said the prayer, they called or texted me and canceled our meeting.  I can only assume that God didn't want that person subjected to more of my garbage.  And sometimes, the time felt right to me and I didn't say but.  I am grateful that many relationships have been repaired and that my Higher Power gives me exactly what I need for today.

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for aligning my will more and more with the principles of AA.  Thank you for all you have shown me through experiences and through my fellows.  Thank you.

Bodily and Mentally Different

MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.  Big Book, p30

I finally admitted this.   For a long time, I thought I still had some element of control.  I am a periodic drinker, so it took me a long time to get that nagging thought of, "I'm different because I don't drink every day".  Still, I listened to other members until one day it finally clicked.  "This thought could kill me or another person one day" and I had to face up to this fact.  My experience has shown me that although I did not drink daily, I did not stop drinking once I took the first drink, unless I threw up or blacked out.  Moderation is not a word that I understand.  And when I did drink, I was irresponsible.  There is all the stuff on page 69 that I could write pages and pages about, but my most irresponsible behavior was always getting behind the wheel even on nights where I surely qualified for 'alcohol poisoning' in my blood.  I was certainly insane!

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for your grace in sending AA to me.  Thank you.

Wholesale Condemnation

Instead, we looked at the human defects of these people, and sometimes used their shortcomings as a basis of wholesale condemnation.  We talked of intolerance, while we were intolerant ourselves.  We missed the reality and the beauty of the forest because we were diverted by the ugliness of some of its trees.  We never gave the spiritual side of life a fair hearing.  Big Book, p50

Someone once asked me how I felt when someone shut the door in my face when I was trying to walk into a store.  I told them that it made me angry.  Then I was told, why don't you think about the 1000's of times someone held the door open for you when on occasion a person (tree) isn't considerate.  They were right!  I always focused on the one bad thing and not on the 1000 good ones.  I had a love affair with negative emotions!

This is taking me a long, long time to learn.  And I suspect it is the same way with others.  I have to practice seeing the essence of God within another person.  It is so hard for me, especially if someone is yelling at me, doesn't like me or flips me off as I drive down the road.  To dig a little deeper and see underneath all of that takes a lot of practice.  It seems easier to condemn than it is too seek, but that was just the programming of the patterns of my life talking.  It is actually easier on my health, my serenity and mine and other's well-being for me to actually take a little more time and look for the good.  In the flesh, we are all very sick people and that's just a fact.  Spiritually, however, there is a Power within each of us that is incredible and for me it is the Power of Love (God).  When I focus on that, I can see the beautiful forest.

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for the love, the mercy and the caring you show me, in spite of my rebellious nature.  Thank you for helping me to see the Truth in my own thinking and for lifting the veil of denial and revealing more to me each day.  Thank you for the gift of desperation and receptivity.  Thank you.

The Program of Action

Outline the program of action, explaining how you made a self-appraisal, how you straightened out your past and why you are now endeavoring to be helpful to him.  It is important for him ti realize that your attempt to pass this on to him plays a vital part in your own recovery.  Actually, he may be helping you more than you are helping him.  Big Book, p94

I love working with others in this program. I have noticed how my Higher Power works through others to help me when I reach out to help them.  I find intuitive answers to situations that used to baffle me when I hear others share their stories with me. I also notice that when I hurt others, I hurt myself.  Alternatively, when I help others, I help myself.  More and more, my Higher Power reveals things to me that I didn't see before.  And, when I am going through some 'great event', I notice that my Higher Power sends me a new sponsee right on time to take me out of 'self' and into others and into action!  What an awesome program! 

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for a new way of thinking and living.  Thank for sober choices that I wasn't able to make when I was still active in all of my ISMs.  Thank you.  

How Cruel

Sometimes there were other women.  How heart-breaking was this discovery; how cruel to be told they understood our men as we did not!  Big Book, p106

This passage is from the chapter, "To Wives".  I can see where my behavior caused anger and pain for another being.  I also like to hear Al-Anon people share because it helps me to 'get real' with the damage I caused others.  When I was a practicing alcoholic and my partner would hurt me, I would always run to the next person in line. I can picture what this behavior would do to another person as I have been on both sides of this. What an incredibly powerless feeling it is to love someone who has found "supposed" solace, understanding and care from another person. I would really call this sick dependency today.  When my ego is damaged, my heart just shuts down and I run away. If you didn't do things the way I thought it should be, then I would find someone who could.  I still have stinking thinking thoughts on this subject periodically, but I can't afford the price anymore.  I can't afford to hurt another person again. 

I ran to look for someone to understand me, to fix me and to take care of me.  I really wanted someone to participate in a decade's long pity party and cater to my every selfish self-centered agenda.  Now, at least the occasional pity party is much shorter. Thank you Higher Power!

The Big Book talks about my actions. "If I am not sorry and my actions continue to harm others  then I will drink again."  When I came to the program, what I found out was that the only thing that could help me with this was a God of my understanding.  Without a God I can trust, I can't seem to keep my heart open.   And when my heart is shut, I feel incredible pain.

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for opening my heart a little at a time.  Thank you for showing me that a closed heart doesn't allow me to experience life nor does it allow me to experience You or Your Power.  Thank you.

We are going to talk about God

Well, that's exactly what this book is about.  Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.  That means we have written a book which we believe to be spiritual as well as moral.  And it means, of course, that we are going to talk about God.  Big Book, p45

I didn't like talking about God at first because I never understood God or what God wanted from me.  I kind of had a very faint idea of some old man with white hair and a long beard, up in the sky, keeping an Excel spreadsheet of what I did good and what I did bad.  Similar to Santa Claus, I suppose.  What really helped me in the Big Book was the same statement that Bill W. found exciting and that was, "my own concept of God".  I also love that it is about having a personal relationship with this God of my understanding.  I wrote a want ad for a Higher Power when I was working Step 2 and the Higher Power that has been revealed is similar, if not even more loving and merciful, than the want ad I placed some years ago.  What a beautiful program this is!

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for leading me to the rooms, that lead me back to You.  Thank you.

You May Have to Drop Him/Her

If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees, you may have to drop him until he changes his mind.  This he may do after he gets hurt some more.  Big Book, p95

Letting someone go is very difficult for me.  I have to remember that my time is valuable too.  When sponsees stand me up regularly for appointed meetings, without a phone call, or when they repeatedly take phone calls from their friends while 12th stepping, etc.  Then there are times where I hear the same sob story over and over and over.  I sometimes have to stop everything and ask them to study the book and come back when they are sincere.  I can't help another person if it is not a priority for them. 

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for daily discernment.  I pray that if I can't help anyone today, please don't let me hurt anyone.  Thank you.

Alcohol is a Subtle Foe

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. Big Book, p85

To rest on one's laurels, according to Dictionary.com, is to be content with one's past or present honors, achievements, etc.  When I think about what I can accomplish on my own, the first thing that comes to mind is, "My best thinking got me here".  It was my thinking that brought me to the rooms.  It was my thinking that brought me to the point of complete defeat.  When I accepted a Higher Power in my life, through Step 3, I found a loving, merciful presence who did not make the terms too hard for me.  I now wake up mornings where my first thought is, "Thy Will be Done".  I thank my Higher Power for another day to be of service.  And at the end of the day I thank my Higher Power again after reviewing how I did for the day (Step 10). 

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for this day.  May your will, not mine, be done in all of my affairs today.  Please remove anything that may stand in the way of my being of maximum use to you.  Thank you.   

Mottoes

We have three little mottoes which are apropos.  Here they are:

First Things First
Live and Let Live
Easy Does It
Big Book, p135

I love the mottoes and slogans in Alcoholics Anonymous.  They are useful as reminders, as mantras, and as focal points for meditation.  There is a great website that has a list of about 400 slogans. 

http://webpages.charter.net/jlbond/slogans.htm
I love reading these when I am having trouble focusing on any tasks at hand, or when I just feel out of sorts.  Somehow, whenever I read these, I begin to picture an old-timer saying it a particular meeting or convention, then I remember their story and I start to smile.  This fellowship works in such extraordinary ways!

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for the creativity to create such healing words and phrases.  Thank you for the laughs that some of these messages bring.  And thank you for the fellowship itself.  Thank you.

Nearly All Have Recovered

We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, know thousands of men and women who were once just as hopeless as Bill.  Nearly all have recovered.  They have solved the drinking problem.  Big Book,p17

What a way to start out the chapter on "There is a Solution".  This statement just illuminates the word "HOPE" in big neon letters in my mind as I read these words.

I was of the hopeless variety.  I was spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially bankrupt when I came into the rooms.  The word "recovered" in this paragraph bothers me a little though.  I have heard in meetings that people are "recovered".  I am still working to maintain a relationship with my Higher Power and plan to continue doing so.  Doing what the program asks of me and working on this relationship keeps me on the path of the daily reprieve from the next drink.  If that is recovered, then, Just for Today, I am recovered.  I have found the solution!  For me to assume I am fully recovered and will not drink in 10 years just seems a little bit arrogant and my ego would have a field day with that!

Thank you Higher Power for my not taking a drink today. Thank you for showing me a path to a relationship with you that keeps me from taking that first drink.  Thank you. 

Pocket Our Pride

We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe. Big Book, p75

I am having a spiritual experience right now.  It seems to happen when I least expect it, and immediately follows the swallowing of humble pie.  Letting go of all of my pet beliefs is difficult, but I must if I want to have a spiritual experience.  It is the only way I can let my Higher Power show me the way.  The book says to let go absolutely!  Let go absolutely or the result is nil!  Wow, this is so difficult and the only way I can get here is that thing called rigorous self-honesty.  Each time I go a little deeper into a new experience, every fiber of my being says "RUN".   Running is so ingrained in me as a character defect that I need to be hit with a spiritual 2x4 to even remember that there is a new way, a better way called "letting go absolutely".  My selfish, self-centered ways can only be treated by my Higher Power.  I can't do this alone.

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for all of my experiences, whether someone might label them good or bad.  Thank you for showing me that it is once again, time to let go and let You show me the next step.  Thank you.

Constructive Action

To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action. Big Book, p93

Vital means "Absolutely necessary or important; essential".  This reminds me that I don't get to keep this way of life unless I give it away.  Working with other alcoholics will keep me sober when everything else might fail.  This means that if I am spouting platitudes, talking about God, but not actually doing anything, then my recovery is on shaky ground.  It is in the reciprocity of love, kindness, etc., that these things become written on our heart and not just in our minds.  This recovery journey takes a long, long time.  Isn't it funny that it is only a 12 inch trip from our heads to our hearts?

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for the willingness to help another person.  Thank you for showing me the way of surrender instead of self-will.  Thank you for making me of use to other people.  I pray that I do Thy Will always.  Thank you.

Financial Recovery

Although financial recovery is on the way for many of us, we found we could not place money first. For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress; it never preceded.  Big Book, p127

This reminds me of an Albert Einstein quote, "We can't solve problems by using the same thinking that created them".  For me, thinking about money first puts the focus on the problem and not on the solution.  I begin to worry about this and that and soon I am no longer sleeping because my head is going 100 mph and all I want is a drink to shut it all down.  When I put my thoughts on my Higher Power and I put my efforts into prayer and meditation, the results are astounding.  I sleep better, I am able to live through what I used to call "catastrophes" and I have a sense of peace, even during times of financial insecurity.  I like that in the Big Book, it also talks about freedom from the fear of financial insecurity in the promises.  This tells me that I don't necessarily get a get out of jail free card from financial insecurity.  It just tells me I don't have to be afraid and I can still enjoy life even during hard financial times.

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for the love and the release of fear during these tough economic times.  Thank you for always showing me Your Will.  When I focus on You, all of my fears dissipate and I am living in the solution.  Thank you.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.   Matthew 6:33

Frothy Emotional Appeal

Frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices. The message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight. In nearly all cases, their ideals must be grounded in a power greater than themselves, if they are to re-create their lives. Big Book, p xxviii~

My family and friends would often make the frothy emotional appeals described in this passage.  Unfortunately, my family and friends didn't understand that these emotional appeals actually made me want to run deeper and deeper into alcoholism.  The emotional appeals, perceived from my alcoholic mind, were clothed in guilt and self-loathing, as that is how I interpreted what my family was saying. 

The fellowship has given me a taste of the depth and weight.  My fellows have been where I have been and instead of feeling guilt, I felt hope.  I was given a solution and a way out of the misery of my addiction.  I was taught about faith instead of fear.  I was shown little miracles that began to prove to me there was some concept of God I could start to work with.  And my life is a journey of re-creations, re-inventions and it is truly a beautiful ride, even with all of the ups and downs.  

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for the understanding I receive in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Thank you for the love I have felt.  These people, with your help, are really shame-busters!  And you are just what I needed.  Thank you.

Selfishness—self-centeredness!

Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self- seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. Big Book p62

This passage describes me perfectly.  When I started working on my first inventory, I discovered that the basis for all of my resentments was a fear of some kind or a belief that a particular result should not be the way it is.  I learned that when I acted from a place of resentment I created more pain and hurt for those around me, which just caused me more pain and hurt.   I noticed that as I come to rely more and more on a Power Greater than Myself in my "day at a time" walk, that there is less fear about what is happening.  There is more acceptance of what is.  And I react less and respond more. 

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for keeping me and my fellows safe for another day of recovery.  Thank you for showing me my part through the haze of self-loathing and the anger I had toward my fellows.  Thank you for showing me a way out of that vicious cycle.  Thank you.

Psychic Change

On the other hand—and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand—once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules.  Big Book, The Doctor's Opinion

From my experience, the psychic change has been a process.  It is the process of recovery.  Each idea and belief I hold must be challenged.  I hated myself when I came into the rooms.  My life was nothing but shame, guilt and resentment.  A little of this was directed at those around me, but mostly it was directed at myself. I could not stop at one drink.  I didn't want to feel good or be the life of the party any longer.  I just wanted to numb out and forget and stop thinking because all of my thoughts were based in self-contempt.    I received as a gift, a new design for living.  By working the Steps, listening to my sponsor, attending meetings and studying the book (not reading.. studying!), and helping others, I came to understand that my way was dysfunctional and I was living a life based on ideas that did not serve anyone. And then the psychic change began. 

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for allowing me to be of service and allowing me to work with others.  Thank you for making my path clear when I work with others.  Thank you for putting others with me who have shared their experience and shined the light on the darkness inside of me.  Thank you.

The Fellowship You Crave

Still you may say:  "But I will not have the benefit of contact with you who write this book."  We cannot be sure.  God will determine that, so you must remember that your real reliance is always upon Him.  He will show you how to create the fellowship you crave.  Big Book p164

I came into the program much too late to meet Bill W. or Dr. Bob.  And every time I read the "Vision for You" chapter I see that the Fellowship will number many "hundreds" and I am amazed.  That is a number that has been multiplied exponentially.  So many alcoholics have been spiritually infused by the words of this book, because there are so many living, breathing examples of how this thing works.

Trust God, Clean House, and Work With Others.  Notice that "Trust God" comes first.  The only way to right action is Trusting God and aligning my will with His, which automagically seems to attract the fellowship I crave.  I always, always have exactly what I need.

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for the Fellowship of the Spirit.  Thank you for teaching me to Trust in you and in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Thank you for showing me your will and for giving me the power to carry it out.  Thank you.

Straighten Out

When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.  Big Book, p64

When I get down on my knees in desperation, I notice that things begin to change.  I get honest.  I get willing.  I am defeated.  Only then do things really change.  I have tried everything from curing my own alcoholism alone, trying fad diets to straighten myself out physically, and practicing pretty affirmations to straighten out mentally.  While some of these are good things, it was not until I got sincere with God that things truly began to change in my life.  The obsessions, the the conflicts, the resentments.  God has removed these from me every time I have sincerely asked it of Him.

Thank you Higher Power. Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for being with me through everything.  Thank you for helping me discover the depth of your love and your wisdom.  Thank you for straightening me out so I may be of some use to you and my fellows.  Thank you.

Every One Of Them Agreed

On one proposition, however, these men and women are strikingly agreed.  Every one of them has gained access to, and believes in, a Power greater than himself.  This Power has in each case acccomplished the miraculous, the human impossible.  Big Book, p50

God does for me what I cannot do for myself.  When resting on my own will, the obsession was always there.  I never felt any relief at all, except when I was dabbling in other addictions, escaping reality,  and really just switched from scotch to brandy.  When I finally asked (begged really) for relief, God was there for me.   The obsession was relieved.  Just a little bit of clarity was restored.  Then a little more.  Then just a little bit more.  Each day, new miracles happened.  Things I never used to see, I now saw.  And the journey continues.

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for the all merciful and all goodness that you are and that you have brought into my life.  Thank you for the people of this program and all throughout my life.  Thank you for this day.  Thank you.

Loving The Best

Gradually we began to be able to accept the other fellow's sins as well as his virtues.  We coined the potent and meaningful expression "Let us always love the best in others - and never fear their worst." As Bill Sees It, p203

We are really a very sick people.  It is only through the love of this program that I am being healed.  I feel accepted and I am learning to accept.  The craziest people in the rooms are my greatest teachers.  It is easy to love someone lovable.  What is difficult is loving the people who irritate me, get on my nerves or who don't fit into some box of how I think people should behave.  I looked up sin in the dictionary and it means "missing the mark".  I miss the mark a lot and I have to tell you that I see absolutely no room for judging others when I am being honest with myself.  We are all in this together. 

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for helping me to see the best in people.  Thank you for showing me that when I see the worst in people, I don't need to fear it, I just need to learn from it.  Thank you for your mercy in all that you show me.  Thank you.

A Sick Friend

Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. Big Book p67

This is a hard concept for me to follow. I can see the sickness very easily in the newcomer, or the alcoholic who still reeks of whisky, but after a while and after getting to know my Fellows, everyone seems physically "normal". This is where I start to slide on this principle. I forget they are sick, just as I forget I am sick sometimes. Things get going pretty good in life, I resort to half-measures and then I find myself completely resting on my laurels and forgetting. I forget that without a Higher Power, I cannot see the Truth. I can only see a skewed perception based on my own stinking thinking.

Thank you Higher Power. Thank you for showing me how to be tolerant of other alcoholics, even when they have long term abstinence. Thank you for removing a lot of expectations of how people "should be" and thank you for the reminders that we are just very sick people coming together in unity for a common purpose. Thank you.

Faith

In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves.  We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him.  If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning.  That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself.  Big Book p71

I am at a crossroads in my life right now.  I am taking a path that scares me a little bit, and it is only through faith that I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  And it is only through faith that I know the next right step will be revealed when it is time and when my own house is in order.  I have several character defects and I can only trust that my Higher Power is taking care of these as they are revealed.  I know so very little.  I am a work in progress.  And that is all okay.

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for helping me to see what I need to see, through my choices, my actions and by allowing the Fellowship to be my mirror.  Thank you for showing me the truth about myself and for accepting me just as I am.  Thank you.

Caught Off Guard

Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight watever against the first drink.  This time I had not thought of the consequences at all.  Big Book p41

I don't know if I thought of the consequences at all for the majority of my drinking career.  It was socially acceptable, sometimes even expected.  To throw up, drive home at 3:00 a.m. with one hand over my eye so that I can see properly and then pass out upon arriving home (if I wasn't poured into someone else's car because I had already passed out at the bar), seemed like a normal event.  In a way it was because I was hanging out with other alcoholics.  Consequences today look a lot more like common sense to me, but back then, it was just part of the process.  Hangovers, poor health and total lapse in judgment seemed to be so acceptable back then.  Today, I find myself praying for clarity because I still believe I have a whole lot to learn.

Thank you Higher Power for what you have restored.  Thank you for allowing me to see my own dysfunction.  Thank you for showing me I can be compassionate with myself and that while these are facts of my inventory, I don't have to wallow in them.  Thank you.

Conditions

We thought "conditions" drove us to drink, and when we tried to correct these conditions and found that we couldn't we became alcoholics.  It never occurred to us that we needed to change ourselves to meet conditions, whatever they were.  Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, p47

I always felt like a victim.  I believed that everything that wasn't within my control was a punishment for some bad behavior and that I was relatively worthless as a human being.  I grew up in a household where 'achievements' were praised.  When I couldn't arrange and order things to my satisfaction, I felt like a complete failure.  Only after coming into the rooms did I discover that it was my character that needed changing and not the outer conditions.  One day at a time I get the answers, guidance and power to carry out whatever is mine to do.  The rest is beyond my control and now I see it as a gift and pleasure to watch life unfold before my eyes.  Things still happen and life is still in session, but I can face these things each day and act accordingly.

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for lifting me out of the victim mentality and into the growing mentality.  Thank you for removing the defects of character that you have and thank you for lifting the defects to come.  Thank you.

Biased and Unreasonable

We asked ourselves this:  Are not some of us just as biased and unreasonable about the realm of the spirit as were the ancients about the realm of the material?  Big Book p51

It is difficult for me to keep an openmind, when my preconceived ideas are tested.  Knowledge can only take me so far, but it is so engrained that I get overwhelmed when I am asked to see beyond what I can see with my physical senses.  And, the things I believe are true, are validated over and over by media, knowledge experts, etc., that when something comes into question, I must meditate and get still to allow the answers to come.  It seems to be the only real way to shed all of the programming from my past experiences and come to the truth.

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for showing yourself to me in different ways throughout the years.  Thank you for enough vision for me to accept you are there, always.  Thank you.

Morning Thoughts

On awakening, let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead.  We ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity and from dishonest or self-seeking motives.  Free of these, we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for God gave us brains to use.  Our thought-life will be on a higher plane when our thinking begins to be cleared of wrong motives.

If we have to determine which of two courses to take, we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought, or a decision.  Then we relax and take it easy, and we are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while.

We usually conclude our meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, asking especially for freedom from damaging self-will.  As Bill Sees It, p243

How I apply this today is, "Is it coming from a place of honesty, openmindedness, willingness and love?  Or is it coming from a place of me, my and mine?"  or "Is it come from a place of service or is it coming from a place of self-seeking?"  While I am not always good at following through, I am getting better at recognizing the difference.

Thank you Higher Power for some 'wisdom to know the difference".  Thank you for allowing me the freedom to choose.  And thank you for continued guidance.  Thank you.

Morals and Philosophy

"If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago. But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how hard we tried. We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could wish these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn't there. Our human resources, as marshaled (or directed) by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly."  Big Book, p44

I tried many times to control my addiction.  I tried to be a moral and upstanding citizen, somehow thinking that my virtues would keep me from taking another drink.  This passages takes me to the introduction of the Beatitudes in Emmet Fox's Sermon on the Mount.  I follow all of these different rituals and routines thinking it will win me God's favor or something and I have it backwards.   If I behave this way, I will receive punishment.  The problem is that I don't think of it in terms of consequences for my own actions.  I think of it as this outside "God" punishing me for my bad behavior, much like my parents did.   In reality, I already have all of the Love and Power I need, but the paradox is to surrender to it, not try to 'accomplish it'.  It is already done for me and I just need to keep aligning myself with it through prayer accepting it through meditation and contemplation.
Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for another moment with a clear mind and an open heart.  Thank you for giving me these insights each day so that I do not find myself moved away from you.  Thank you.   

Self-Knowledge

He had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic.  Yet all reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he could take whiskey if only he mixed it with milk!  Big Book, p37

Gotta love those rationalizations!  Here are a few of mine.

"Only one, just to relax"
"If I stick to beer tonight, then I won't drink too much because beer isn't as good"
"Drinking wine with the other executives at work is expected of me"
"I am so much more fun when I drink"
"I dance better when I have had a few"

What are yours?

Thank you Higher Power for the chuckle I get out of reading my own thoughts.  No wonder my best thinking got me here!  Thank you.

Trust God and Clean House

"Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." Big Book, p98

So powerful!  And I believe it.  I have seen so many miracles in the rooms.  I have seen people come into the program and thought they wouldn't make it back to sanity.  Yes, judgment, I know, but I have to say that in every single case so far, I have been proven wrong, when the person followed our path.  It truly amazes me the depth of healing that can happen in the room and by following these 12 steps and traditions. 

Thank you Higher Power.  I am so grateful to watch newcomers in the fellowship change from a hopeless state of mind and body into what they never even knew their potential could be.  Thank you for astounding me and humbling me and giving me this beautiful gift.  Thank you.

We Have To Live It!

The spiritual life is not a theory.  We have to live it.  Unless one's family expresses a desire to live upon spiritual principles we think we ought not to urge them.  We should not talk incessantly to them about spiritual matters.  They will change in time.  Our behavior will convince them more than our words.  We must remember that ten or twenty years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone.  Big Book, p83

Self-righteousness is one of my greatest shortcomings.  Whenever something works for me, I think I have the answer for everyone else, so I try to cram it into their consciousness.  I do point people to places in the Big Book, but I try to only do so when I am asked.  Most of my family are still out there "practicing", so I listened to my sponsor and take care of myself.  If I turn out to be an example, then great.  If not, then at least I am sober.  I've also noticed that while general concepts in the book always work for everyone, the timing of parts of my path may not be the same.  Denial can be very powerful and when someone isn't ready, oftentimes, to push them, can send them into a full retreat.

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for showing me what I can do for those that still suffer.  Thank you for tempering my tendency to be overbearing and self-righteous.  Thank you for a little bit of the precious gift called humility.  Thank you.