How Cruel

Sometimes there were other women.  How heart-breaking was this discovery; how cruel to be told they understood our men as we did not!  Big Book, p106

This passage is from the chapter, "To Wives".  I can see where my behavior caused anger and pain for another being.  I also like to hear Al-Anon people share because it helps me to 'get real' with the damage I caused others.  When I was a practicing alcoholic and my partner would hurt me, I would always run to the next person in line. I can picture what this behavior would do to another person as I have been on both sides of this. What an incredibly powerless feeling it is to love someone who has found "supposed" solace, understanding and care from another person. I would really call this sick dependency today.  When my ego is damaged, my heart just shuts down and I run away. If you didn't do things the way I thought it should be, then I would find someone who could.  I still have stinking thinking thoughts on this subject periodically, but I can't afford the price anymore.  I can't afford to hurt another person again. 

I ran to look for someone to understand me, to fix me and to take care of me.  I really wanted someone to participate in a decade's long pity party and cater to my every selfish self-centered agenda.  Now, at least the occasional pity party is much shorter. Thank you Higher Power!

The Big Book talks about my actions. "If I am not sorry and my actions continue to harm others  then I will drink again."  When I came to the program, what I found out was that the only thing that could help me with this was a God of my understanding.  Without a God I can trust, I can't seem to keep my heart open.   And when my heart is shut, I feel incredible pain.

Thank you Higher Power.  Thank you for opening my heart a little at a time.  Thank you for showing me that a closed heart doesn't allow me to experience life nor does it allow me to experience You or Your Power.  Thank you.